Monday, December 21, 2009

as of late...

my current loves:

my bed...memory foam + 4 pillows = heaven on earth
gossip girl...seriously addicting. i can't get enough of it!! i love all the characters. the one who is growing on me the most is chuck. he has this sensitive, romantic side that is captivating. ah...
imogen heap...she takes me to another world, one full of peace and calmness. gotta love the blissful escape her music offers.
my's amazing how pretty and feminine i feel with them on. totally classiness. i love the clicky noice they make.
the idea of raw foods...i had SO muchy energy when i was eating like a rabbit. i just gotta find that motivation again...good thing new year's is around the corner
my high heel blue boots ...they remind me of dress up as a child. and who has blue boots? no one i know. you can just call me the trend starter. ;)
pommegranates...easily my favorite fruit, if not my favorite food. mom taught me a new way to peel them. you stick em in a bowl of water and then peel it in the bowl. no red stains. raincoat is not necessary. and it only takes like 4 minutes.
chillin with howard...he is a hoot. he is basically my twin. if i were a boy, i would be him. he likes to eat, make weird faces, play Wii bowling, wrestle, sing, to a t. he is 12 and as tall as me, has bigger hands and feet than me. it is so neat to "see" how i was when i was 12. love it.
cleaning the bathroom...i get great joy out of cleaning the toilet, the sinks, and the mirror. i feel a sense of accomplishment. i love organizing the combs, curling irons, and towels.
playing the piano and talking to papa...i have really been missing papa lately. i want to talk to him about everything that is going on, from mission to his take on med school to family things. i have never performed in front of anyone, except for recitals and piano competitions. i played the piano at papa's funeral. this was a huge deal. i was nervous, but i felt him by me the whole time. now, whenever i play the piano, i know he is there. i get emotional. his presence is almost tangible. so if i need to talk to papa, i go play the piano. he is there and is always willing to listen. he is another testimony that the gospel is true.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

thought of the day

I came across this the other day. i had heard it a while ago and LOVED it. i still love it! enjoy!

I am a part of the "Fellowship of the Unashamed." The die has been cast. The decision has been made. I have stepped over the line. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still.

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense and my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap giving and dwarfed goals.
I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on His presence, love with patience, live by prayer and labor with power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide is reliable and my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, shut up, let up or slow up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up and spoken up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know and work till He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My banner is clear: I am a part of the "Fellowship of the Unashamed." - unknown

Thursday, December 10, 2009

a.d.d. emotions

this is how i feel.

wanna know why? let's see if i can identify all of these strange emotions.

first off, i am sad. this past year, i grew very close to Zee and his family. i loved talking about medicine with him. he involved me in individual cases, helped/did my chemistry homework, taught me all the procedures (where the needle goes, what nerve is involved, why someone would have it done), explained his interviewing process, his reasons for picking Cincy, how much work goes into starting up a practice, etc. he told me all about his life, from growing up to college life to crazy life stories. he asked me about my life, always remembering little details. he was and still is genuinely interested in my crazy life.
i especially loved talking about religion with him. he and his family went to the Okiihr Mountain temple open house with Mad, Jo Ann, and I. we went to his prayer service. he had questions. i had questions. we found several similarities between the LDS and Muslim faith. we discussed everything from morality to green tea to Jesus to life after death to eternal families. we could talk for hours about life and the purpose of it and God and being like Him. i love that he is so devoted to his faith, constantly striving to better himself so that he can better mankind.

i absolutely ADORE his family! Dalenna is a beautiful woman! she has this air of kindness and love about her. i could talk to her all day about life. she asks questions and sincerely listens. i love learning about her life, dreams, and experiences. Zayd is probably the funniest/most stubborn little boy ever. we build water towers, ferris wheels, roads, trailers, you name it. we do puzzles and read stories. he is bob and i am wendy. he remembers my name. basically i love him. and Sofia is the most beautiful baby girl. she is always dressed like a model (thanks to her fashion-savvy mama).

so in a nutshell, i love these amazing people! i am happy that they are off chasing their dreams, but extremely sad that they are leaving...tomorrow. i don't do goodbyes. i do "see you soons." they support the mission. they support PA school (maybe i'll end up in Ohio with a crazy sweet job with a fabulous happy that offer is on the table). they genuinely care about my life. i consider them family.

i am HAPPY that classes are officially over. WOOOOOOOOO. now just three finals and i am done (this is why i am stressed). this time next week, i will be carefree and less zitty hopefully. i cannot wait to be done. let me repeat myself.
i am done with the provo scene. i am done with boys in provo. i am done with every boy knowing every other boy i hang out with. i am ready for warmth all year round. i am ready to start a new chapter of my life.

i have been working on the mission papers. i had two crowns done this week and now the dental form is complete. all i have left is the medical exam and obtaining a passport. i am ANXIOUS to see where i am going to go. i want to best prepare for the people i am going to serve. i want to know everything. i know this is not possible, but i want to be the best prepared missionary ever!

all of the emotions have something in common: time. i have realized how fast time passes. i remember when Zee started at Nexus. and in the blink of an eye, a year has come and gone. relationships take time to be built. i am happy i made an effort to be friends with the Tayebs. i truly cherish those friendships. i am happy that school is almost over. i can remember my first day as a freshman, sitting in Econ 110. i cannot believe that i am graduating!! i remember when i decided to go on a mission. i never thought i would be 21....weird i know. i never though i would seriously have to make adult decisions. i never thought life would have so many curve balls. i never thought i would be in this place in my life, doing what i am doing. i don't feel old enough. i still see myself as the tomboy on the playground, eating beef jerky. according to my mom, i dress like i am 6. well so what? some days i want to be 6. is that so wrong?

so at this time of year, i am taking time to reflect on my life and what is truly important. life is short. i want to make sure my priorities are in check. i want to spend less time on myself and focus more on others. that is what life is about. helping others who cannot help themselves. and wanna know the best thing about service? serving others is like serving God, which in turn helps you become the person He wants you to be. that's all that i want. i pray i can make this goal a reality.

Friday, November 13, 2009

learning to juggle

it's crazy how fast i grow up. i can remember the first days living in the dorms...prison in my opinion. now i have a few weeks left of this a senior in COLLEGE. i have one semester left and i am done. over. kaput. weird.

so i decided on a very big life-altering decision. i am going on a mish. i NEVER would have thought i would say this. but...things change. heavenly father intervenes when He finds it appropriate.

i questioned Him...why now?
why after i have my plan to graduate, apply to p.a. school, and move out of utah? why now, after i have FINALLY decided on things...?

i was upset.
i couldn't understand why He felt that after 3 1/2 years of angst and turmoil over my life plans (going from neuroscience to hating chemistry to human development to special education back to exercise science and more chemistry)after finally getting a good grasp on what i want to do with my life, that i now need another change of plans. He knows i am a planner...i own like 8 planners...i make schedules every day. i try to do things hour by hour. i am organized. i am always planning the next step.

i think Heavenly Father thinks this is funny. He enjoys keeping me on my toes. sometimes i can feel His laughter. way cool. i think He likes throwing in another ball for me to juggle to see how i will handle it and how long it will take me before i say, "ok. you were right. i need help. teach me how to juggle."

maybe He wants to teach me something. maybe He wants me to find people that want to know about Jesus and why they are here. maybe my family needs extra blessings....oh i don't know.

so i am moving forward. i have good feelings. i feel Heavenly Father's approval. He likes my plan. this is good. i need support, especially from Him. i don't know what i am throwing myself into. i will be in a different place with no family, no friends, maybe no understanding of the language or normal food. you ask a random person on the street and they would think i was crazy to do this...

but i know why i am doing this. it is simple. i love Heavenly Father. i love Jesus. i am happy. i want other people to be happy. i want a happier world. i want to teach what i know. i want to be that beacon on a hill. yes this is why i want to be a missionary.

i met with bishop. he gave me lots of reading materials. i have learned so much. i meet with him again in a couple weeks for the interview. then i can start getting my papers ready. ooo i have those tingling feelings inside right now, telling me this is good. phew. Heavenly Father knows who i am. He knows what i can handle. but please, no more curve balls right now. :)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

my mind at 2:30 am

"Faith is knowing that Christ is the Savior. Hope is knowing that Christ is your Savior. Charity is knowing that Christ is everyone's Savior."

i stumbled upon this quote tonight...well i guess today (2:30 am doing organic chem and anatomy). this really struck me. the more and more i pray to heavenly father about a mission, the more it seems right. i want to share this knowledge with everyone so that they can be as happy as i am.

mad put it this way: 18 months of being in a different place with people you don't know (something that i am craving right now), making life long friends, 100% service, personal growth and maturity, completely forgetting myself, and spreading the love of Jesus to everyone around me. AND only blessings come from this.

In the Sunday afternoon session of conference, Elder Brent Nielson gave an outstanding talk about missionary work that got my spirit going. He quotes President Monson on missionary work, “What a promise! If we respond affirmatively to that sacred call, that binding authority, ‘I will be with you always, even unto the end of the world.’ I can’t think of a greater promise."

I love this:

The Savior’s call is to you of the rising generation. He is asking for worthy, prepared, faithful young men and young women who will heed the prophet’s voice, who will step up and say, as the Savior Himself said, “Here am I, send me”. The need has never been greater. The field has never been whiter. You are called to go “this last time”. There is no greater work; there is no greater call than teaching “all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost”.

After hearing this talk, I seriously felt that my spirit was going to jump out of my body. I became SOOOO excited about sharing the gospel with anyone and everyone.

One of my best friends, Zee, is a doctor I work with. He is Muslim. He and his beautiful family went to the Oquirrh Mountain temple open house with Mad and me. We went to his prayer service. We have had several religious conversations. We have found similarities in our beliefs. One day after work, he asked me if I had looked into any other religions. I said no, that I knew that the gospel was true so there was no reason for me to look for something else. He then asked how I knew that the gospel was true, how I personally knew this. I had never been asked this before, but I did not have to think twice about my response. I told him that I had always known, that I had prayed and read my scriptures. Through these acts, I was able to develop a relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus. I knew that they loved me and had a plan for me. The gospel is simple. I am simple. Therefore, it resonates with me. It answers all of my questions about life...who am I? where am I going? why am I here? I had never been asked to share my testimony in this way before, but i LOVED it. i loved being able to share what i know to be true, why i am so happy. i am truly grateful for my conversations with Zee, that I am able to explain what i know and why i know it to be true. i am grateful for his insight and questions.

although i know that a mission will be hard hard work, i know that it will be worth it. i will be able to answer many people's prayers. i will be able to share the gospel with those yearning to know who they are and why they are here.

i'll tell you what i know. i know that i am a child of God. He loves me. He loves me so much that He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to earth to atone for not only my sins, but for all mankind. He wants us to return to Him. this is why the Atonement is here. it is real. it allows us to change our lives in a moment. He has given us scriptures that we may learn the commandments, that we may learn from other's mistakes. He has given us prayer so that we can communicate what is in our hearts, that we may feel His love if we just ask for it. He has given us a prophet to lead and guide us today. President Monson is His mouthpiece. revelation is real. we all can receive it. think of Joseph Smith. he was 14 when he prayed in a grove. Heavenly Father answered his prayer, so why wouldn't he answer ours? He has given us temples, that we may feel a bit of heaven on earth, that we may feel peace in a tumultuous world. He has given us families to love and learn and grow with. He gives us trials, that we may develop faith in Him and Jesus, that our testimonies will grow tremendously.

in a nutshell, God loves us. so much. He wants us to be happy. if we will turn our hearts over to Him and allow Him to shape and mold us into the people He wants us to be, we will be happy. He has a plan for us. He is there for us...all we need to do is let Him in.

Friday, October 2, 2009

dear boys...

dear boys,

after many encounters with you, i feel that i need to lay down the law.

first off, when did it ever become ok to text or call me at midnight to come over and "hang out?" we both know that this is code for cuddling and/or kissing and/or ncmos (non-committal make outs). i do not have "easy" stamped on my forehead. call me old-fashioned, but doesn't dating include going out on dates? no, this is not hanging out at your apartment or watching a movie. how hard is it to say, "hey, wanna grab something to eat?" or "wanna go on a walk?" i already have my guy friends that i hang out with and do boy things with (watching sports, etc). so yes, i will decline your invitation to hang out. i deserve to be taken out. no exceptions. if you think this is lame, are you.

second, i am a nerd. i love school and learning and studying. yes, i want to be a doctor or a physician's assistant. therefore, i am busy with school. i will not slack on my school work to hang out with you. i will not act or pretend to be dumb in order to make your ego sky rocket. i like having conversations that have substance (don't sit there and tell me how "amazing" i am so that you can get some). embrace my smartness or leave me alone.

yes, i can be intimidating. i know who i am. i am confident. i smile. i look you in the eye. i have a strong testimony of jesus and the gospel. i love church and going to the temple. i don't waste my time doing stupid things. i do not dirty text. i do not dirty dance. i do not play games. if i want to talk to you, i will. i am not a dud. i am independent. i am not clingy. i do not need to be with you every second of the day. i do spontaneous crazy random things. i enjoy laughing. i laugh a lot. i am happy. i am blunt, usually in a nice way. i am a simple person. i do like to get all dolled up every once in a while. i enjoy being feminine. if you cannot handle who i am, please back off.

like i said, i am a simple girl. i want a good boy to take me out on dates. if i like you, you will know. now seriously, am i asking too much of you?

well now that you know how i do things, man up or be gay.



Monday, September 28, 2009


mad and i woke up on saturday morning and decided we wanted brown hair. impulsive? yes. crazy? you might say so. did we love it? we sure did.

i don't think i have said "i'm so excited" more in my entire life. haha it kinda felt like i was about to go on the world's tallest rollercoaster... those jittery feelings in my stomach. BUT... i am happy with the end results.

so it is a way different look. more natural right? i haven't been dark in years. so it's a drastic change. and i'm feeling hopeful. peace.

Friday, September 18, 2009

what i aspire to be :)

so i've decided that i want to be a hippie. i have good reasons for this.

#1) peace and love....the life motto of a hippie. i am
all about peace and love. spreading this only creates joy. i flash my peace fingers every chance i get. anything that represents peace (ex: peace sign on mi coche, peace shirts and pins) gets me SO excited.
#2) headbands and funky jewelry....i am obsessed with headbands. i love the ones that go across your forehead..the braided ones. and i love weird jewelry, like an owl necklace or wood bracelets or metal rings.
#3) the laid-back mindset....this is something that i am trying to attain. i get so caught up in life plans, focusing on the future, planning class schedules, mcat dates, africa trips. i stress myself out, which ultimately doesn't allow me to enjoy whatever is going on right then. i have a hard time living in the moment.

#4) flowery clothes, bright plaid shirts, multi-colored pants, boho skirts....i love the "throw on whatever and call it good" style. i enjoy putting on, what some may call, unmatching outfits and feeling good wearing them. mismatching is fantastic. it's unique. no one else will be wearing the same thing as me. i like that.
#5) natural organic foods....i am all about eating foods in their elemental form. i would love to be 100% raw. it just becomes difficult when i don't have much time to prepare the food (sprouting, juicing). so ideally, my diet would consist of only raw food...someday.

#6) yoga....i emphatically LOVE yoga. i truly believe that health is all encompassing: physical, mental, spriritual, social. yoga strengthens each of these areas for me. i love that yoga allows me to take a step back and BREATHE. i love the poses and how they cleanse not only my body, but my mind as well. i become centered and feel limitless when i'm finished.

Hippies just lead a simpler life of love, peace, sunshine, and freedom. As the Beatles would say, all you need is love.

As Erica Jong would say, "Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

And to the world: make love, not war.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Jack's Perfect Ten

i went to the gym with howard tonight. the gym on 8th now has a cardio cinema. neato. and it has amazing circulation. i was in exercise heaven. then we went to sub zero, our favorite place. he told me that he would pay for me, since i was babysitting. i obliged willingly of course. afterwards, we went to my apartment and packed up all my shoes (three bins full) to move home until i can move into the condo. THEN we came home to the parents house. and i stumbled upon papa's perfect ten.

this is fantastic, so fantastic that i will post it for you to read!!

"Jack's Perfect Ten"

1. Beauty/Handsome 1.0
2. Figure/Physique 1.0
3. Personality 1.0
4. Empathy 1.0
5. Intellect 1.0
6. Spirituality 1.0
7. Sense of Humor 1.0
8. Maturity 1.0
9. Honesty 1.0
10. Affluence/Ambition 1.0


CHEMISTRY - 2 point bonus

i was SO happy that i found this! i remember one time when papa was out here, he asked me about my love life. ha i was 18 at the time, living in the dorms with boys that either (as they put it) wanted to "fill their canteens before the mish" or read scriptures for a date. eww. gross. i told him that i wasn't interested in any boys, that i had plenty guy friends, but none that i wanted to date. he then told me about the perfect ten. when he was stake president, he would counsel the youth to follow the perfect ten plan. if you found a possible husband and he met 8 of the 10 requirements, you were smooth sailing. he then told me that physicality was big, that you need to be attracted to the boy and likewise, i needed to make sure i always looked my best. papa was big on appearance, always dressed to a tee. i have always remembered this for some reason, always wanting to look my best because you never know who you are going to encounter. some may say that i have been slacking in this area lately (i love sweats and the current trend of the punk bright-colored plaid blouse-shirt things and skinny jeans and weird headbands). but hey, i am comfortable in my own skin. and if i love how i look, then it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks right? ha, mad and i had a discussion on what our styles are. she is definitely preppy flirty. but i cannot be categorized. some days i am punk, some days i am preppy. some days i am grungy. some days i am the all american girl, t-shirt and jeans. i can be flirty or nerdy or collegiate or businessy or country or medical or eighties. it just depends on what side of my personality is dominating in the morning. i like my unique style, as pookie would put it.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

my favorite day of the week

i love sundays! they are hands down my favorite day of the week! i love waking up (well kinda) and getting all dressed up for church. i love walking into the chapel where people of all kinds gather for the same reason: to be edified and taught by the Spirit. i love singing the hymns, listening to the speakers and hearing their insights on gospel principles. i love talking about Jesus and leaving church striving to be a better person, to serve someone, to take a step back and see a situation from another's perspective. basically, i love the feeling that i can take on the world, that Jesus is on my side, that with Him i can do all things. i come away with a reassurance of faith in Jesus, that He is always by my side, encouraging and walking with me every step of the way.

i have been a stress basket for the past couple months. i graduate in april. i will be 21. i have several options at this point. i could go straight to physician's assistant school, i could go on a mission, i could take a year off of school and work, i could take the mcat and go to med school. these are HUGE life decisions that are all coming at once. i worried incessantly, which has caused me to be exhausted physically and emotionally, to break out (oh how i love bumpy skin...gross), and to become somewhat withdrawn. i just wanted someone to tell me what to do. i have not gotten a definite answer. so does this mean that they are all good options? should i go with the flow and see what happens in a year from now? this second option kills me. i am a planner. i make time to make schedules. i hate surprises. maybe Heavenly Father is trying to teach me something....patience.

one night when i was venting to my mom about not knowing what to do with my life, she said something that struck me....surprise surprise. my mom is one of the wisest people i know. and she is usually right. she asked me if i had written out the pros and cons of each decision. i had. she then asked me if i had taken this to Heavenly Father. i said i had, but that i had not received an answer. she then told me to let go of my own desires and tell Heavenly Father that i was ready to do whatever He would have me do. this sounds so simple. and yet, i had some reservations.

i found that i had some fear within me, the fear of the unknown. i feel like i am in a tunnel and i have reached a three-way crossing. i have a flashlight, but i cannot see what is at the end of each path. and i have to make a decision.

so i went to the temple on Friday night. i wish i could go to the temple every day. the amount of peace i felt there was overwhelming. i was given the reassurance that everything will work out, to not stress about these decisions. so i am trying something new. i am just gunna go with it. come what may. now i just need to maintain the faith in Jesus that He will lead me to where i need to be to best serve Him.

i am coming to find more and more that life isn't about what kind of career i will have or how much money i will make. it is about serving others, lifting those who are in a low place, smiling and spreading the Christlike love, becoming more like Jesus, and helping everyone return back to Heavenly Father.

some of my favorite faith scriptures/quotes that boost my spirit when doubt enters:

"And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me." Moroni 7:33

"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." D&C 6:36

“Faith in something greater than ourselves enables us to do what we have said we'll do, to press forward when we are tired or hurt or afraid, to keep going when the challenge seems overwhelming and the course is entirely uncertain.” Gordon B. Hinckley

“This is my prayer for all of us—'Lord, increase our faith.' Increase our faith to bridge the chasms of uncertainty and doubt. . . . Grant us faith to look beyond the problems of the moment to the miracles of the future. . . . Give us faith to do what is right and let the consequence follow.” - Gordon B. Hinckley

Friday, July 3, 2009

my most recent purchase

so i discovered a new website a few weeks ago: it's a website full of cute things from headbands to jewelry to art that people make and sell! mad got mom a way cute watch for her birthday. so i decided i wanted one too.

so you order a watch face (i got a pearly white so that it will match everything) and then you order watch bands. oh they had SOOOO many cute ones. here is what i decided on:

the designer is sara jane taylor! she has a website that you MUST look at: she lives in utah, so it only takes a couple of days to get here! can you say LOVE?!?!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

happy news

guess what starts August 2?!?!?! SHARK WEEK!!!!! get so excited! this is one of my favorite weeks of the whole year. so this is a big deal!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

round 2

so in december, i signed up to run a marathon in june. 6 months to train for a 26.2 mile run sounded reasonable. (fyi, 26.2 miles is the distance from my house to the prison...i drove around one day and tracked 26.2 miles and ended up at the prison. random i know). then because i think im such a smartie (ha ha right.....) i decided to take 16 credits of only science classes (chemistry, neurobiology, kinesiology, physics, labs, etc) and my exercising took a toll for the worse. i ran maybe once a week, or every 10 days. i was too tired to run for long amounts of time, long being more than 45 minutes. seeing as i have never run more than 6 miles in my life (well maybe in soccer i ran more), running once a week was NO bueno. i did not feel that i was going to be prepared for this 4 hour race. then school got out and i thought, ok i can train in 6 weeks. once again i only ran once a week. i was too busy playing and dating and sleeping and working and getting rammed into by other cars and papa dying and summer school starting and moving. and then i officially came to the conclusion that i should run the marathon next year. i felt like i let myself down. but then i looked back at what exercise i had done. i had mastered yoga!!! that's quite the accomplishment for me, the anti-gumby, impatient me.

so laura (one of my best friends from lib square that is now married to another one of my best friends colter) is in pharmacy school. she is a genius x 20. she just finished her first year of pharmacy school, which is awesome and i can see her more! she called me the other day and said, "so question, are you running a marathon or half-marathon?" i then explained my situation with the marathon. she got excited and said that we should run a half-marathon. 13.1 miles is do-able. i found one at the end of august, the week after we (all the friends) get back from lake powell. but that was the only half marathon until october. so this was it.

then, sara (my other beautiful best friend) called me and said that she had looked at her facebook home page and saw my post on laura's wall explaining when the marathon was. sara wanted to run the half with us too! but, you have to understand, sara is already a runner. she runs at least 4 miles a day. yesterday she ran 7. she is crazy amazing! i was SO pumped when sara said she wanted in, for she will make sure that me and laura cross that finish line!

so i started my training yesterday. i ran 3 miles. i don't know if my butt has grown or if my muscles are growing (very possible with all of my bike rides with howard ;) ha ha), but my legs felt so heavy. at the two mile mark, i wanted to walk SOOOO badly, but my mind dominated my body. i finished the 3 miles. laura called me last night and told me that she had gone running too. she was in the same boat as me. our goal is to finish the half marathon and to run the whole thing. i am determined. lar is determined. sara has faith in us. i feel confident this time around. round two here we come!

i found some inspiring quotes from real runners. i want to go run right now.

"To exercise at or near capacity is the best way I know of reaching a true introspective state. If you do it right, it can open all kinds of inner doors." ~Al Oerter

"You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Sunday, June 28, 2009

my fab five

mom bought this book called "the message." our dear friend emily davis recommended it to my mom. mom read it. then dad read it. then i read it. it was only 157 pages long, so i cranked it out in an hour on saturday night. this book is life-changing, at least with regards to things of importance. it is a true story about a 37 year old man that gets injured on christmas day and ends up going into a coma soon thereafter. he enters the spirit world for a moment and he shares his experience with us in this touching account. i got teary in several parts of his story. the things he shares rang true to me, to my soul. i love the part he shares about entering the spirit world and being welcomed by dear friends and family, celebrating his arrival. i got so excited about this! this got me thinking about my dear friends and family in my life.

my family is my fab five.
we laugh.
we fight.
we watch movies.
we cry together.
we cherish memories together
we love.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

my hero

my beautiful papa died last night. words can't describe how devastating this news was. i felt my heart crumble within. i have never known that such sadness could fill me. i wept for many hours, for i could not contain my sorrow. oh how extraordinary my papa was! he surpassed all heights in every aspect of his life. everyone he came in with contact loved him dearly. he blessed the lives of all those he knew.

papa was a well-reknowned cardiovascular surgeon. he had such a great desire to help those who could not help themselves, which is why his patients adored him. he always encouraged me to reach my full potential, telling me that i would make an excellent doctor. i believe my aspiring goal to become a P.A. began with papa, although he would want me to be the surgeon, to be the top dog.

papa was extremely generous. he was blessed with a bright mind and loving heart. he worked hard in school to become an excellent physician so that he could provide well for his family. he was blessed with much prosperity, which he shared with grace. he would reach out to those around him, to listen, to advise, to love. i have heard countless stories from people he knew about how he helped them or he knew someone who could help them. he left people feeling better about life.

papa was a spiritual giant. he had such a love for Jesus. he was always making sure that everyone was happy. he put the needs of others before his own. he believed in the Atonement, that people can truly change for the better. he was faithful in having many prayers throughout the day, thanking Heavenly Father for his family and friends. papa counseled me to read my scriptures, for there is where i would find the answers to life's difficult problems. he taught me that my testimony would grow and strengthen through the words of the prophets of old. and he was right. papa had a great love for the temple. he encouraged me to go as often as i could. this is where i could feel Heavenly Father's love and guidance.

my favorite memories of papa:

corn beef sandwiches
greenfield village
ford factory
krebs cycle story
his passion
his love for nanny
sneaking ice cream and chocolate

i loved papa and will continue to love him. i know that he is with Heavenly Father, watching over me. i know that he is serving those in heaven. this experience has been a tremendous testimony builder. i have a stronger testimony about the plan of salvation, that families are eternal, that the sealing power of the priesthood is real. i know that there is a purpose to this life. i know that i will see papa again. he is in a better place and i am grateful for this knowledge

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

my 25 random factoids

i kept getting those "25 things you didn't know" requests on facebook. i have been trying to come up with 25, and i found that i am weirder than i thought! i have at least 28 so far and more on the way! i'm pretty sure most people know everything about me, but here goes:

1. i tend to either skip or drag my feet...mostly my right foot. i kept getting holes in my right shoe. and now i know why.

2. i've run over a variety of animals in my car, never on purpose mind you! i have run over two cats, a bird, and a line of ducks. the duck incidence happened on the freeway...i heard THUD THUD THUD...and then i looked back in my rear view mirror and realized that i was a duck murderer...i cried until i reached my destination.

3.i have sung a solo in church...a remarkable feat for me

4. i plan time to make schedules. if i could do one thing in life, it would be to make schedules for myself and everyone else. my friend nikki asked me to help her plan her life...i was ELATED!

5. sometimes i pee my pants. well...frequently. i like to laugh and laugh hard. so sometimes i accidentally squirt..i mean, it's totally normal....right?

6. i love anything pink and sparkly... even if it is meant for a two-year old. i got pretty pretty princess for my birthday...when i turned 20....and i LOVE the jewelry and wearing that sparkly crown. i believe that i truly am a princess in some small country somewhere. OR as long as my clothes have the word "pink" on them, i am content...which is why i am obsessed with vickie's sweats. so if you are wondering why i am wearing a yellow sweatshirt that says live pink and you think it doesn't make any sense, back off! it does! it is pink and therefore makes perfect sense! pink isn't a color, it's a lifestyle!

7. i eat pommegrantes in my raincoat.

8. i believe that i am at least 25% asian...most likely chinese. chung fei (the gorgeous chinese gymnast) is my other half.

9. i can withstand any kind of peer pressure, unless the pressure is coming from my sisters. they persuade me to do the DUMBEST things eating cake when i am full, or driving by some boy's house and honking, or sending an overly flirtatious text....and other things.

10. i was on the gold medal olympic volleyball team...for special olympics. and yes, the special needs kids were better than me.

11. i can only write with uniball vision pens...either the pink, purple, or teal ones.

12 . i have a weird desire to drive somewhere for 24 hours and see where i end up...tennessee, or louisiana or canada.

13. i am more of a boy than a girl. i feel that my dad raised me to be such (he won't agree with me on this one), for he did not have howard until i was 9. so i play sports, wrestle, yell, eat like there is no tomorrow, and sometimes have an occasional burp. this is also why i prefer to have guy friends...boys eat, watch sports, and thrive on chill drama involved here!

14. i am always reading 4-5 books at once. i love learning.

15. i am a human disposal. if you put food in front of me, i will eat it.

16. i have been told that i am either extremely intimidating or extremely approachable...nothing in between. i think it's the smile that throws people off.

17. i could watch legally blonde over and over and over again. i live by that movie...ask my guy friends. everytime we have movie night, i wanna watch legally blonde. point proven...blondes can be smart and wear pink AND be taken seriously!

18.i have gangsta rhythm in my soul. i can rap with the best of 'em.

19. my freshman year of college, i did a color diet for two weeks where i only ate one color of food each day..monday was red day, tuesday was orange get the picture.

20. i have a crazy obsession with rollercoasters! i have a huge desire to take a month or two off of life and go to every amusement park in America. i went to cedar point with mad five or six years ago. i have never been so happy in my life!

21. i never kissed a boy in high school. college is where kissing came alive for me.

22. i love going on long drives and finding new places and secret roads. you'd be amazed at all the amazing adventures i have been on in provo. yes, provo has its mystery.

23. i go big or go home. i love with all my heart, play until i am exhausted, laugh till i pee, and sing with gusto. i don't believe in middle ground in any aspect of life.

24. when i played softball, the umpire almost threw me out of the game because i would throw the bat. needless to say, i only played for one season. then i was done.

25. i secretly loved my big ole suburban. that monstrous vehicle could transport me and 7 other people...sometimes 8 0r 9...ANYWHERE! it was the party bus..mostly for mad and her sketchy friends.

26. i won't eat knock-off brands. i will pay the extra 85 cents to get the real brand of oatmeal or dishwasher soap or granola bars. it tastes better and the wrapping is much prettier.

27. i am addicted to yoga. i love standing in tree pose (and yes, i have mastered it now) or lying in chabasna pose. i become centered and i feel closer to God. yoga is a spiritual practice, stretching your soul and lifting your heart.

28. i should have been a teenager in the 80's. i love bright colored spandex, funky high heels, colorful headbands, and anything that shimmers in the light. i love crimping my hair and listening to cyndi lauper. and i am not afraid to bring this style back. people should embrace the color movement!

more to come...i am sure :)

Saturday, April 4, 2009

music = L.O.V.E.

simply stated, i am a music lover. i have love affairs with all, reggae, vocal, hip-hop, bubble gum pop, name it. right now i can't get enough of the vocal, you can make it though anything music.  here are my top picks for anyone needing a quick pick-me-up or thought-provoking message:

1. courage is (by the strange familiar) - i truly feel that everyone has felt pain, sorrow, frustration, hurt. this song really pierced my soul by its touching words. courage is when you make a change and you keep on living anyway. sometimes it is so hard to make that change, cut those ties, start fresh, forgive. by letting go and moving on, your soul is repaired.

2. ooo oh (by keri noble): sometimes we are attracted to people and relationships form out of hurt.  we want our pain to go away and by being with those friends and loved ones, the pain goes away for a bit, but it lingers. sometimes relationships form. and you just need to walk away, to let go. but you don't want to for the sake of the other person, for they need you. but if you are anything like me, you soak up the pain and heartache like a sponge. so you get thinking and your mind takes you to new heights, to real soul searching. and after this thinking, you are ready for more, something different. this song captures these emotions.

3. human (by jon mclaughlin): we all just want to be understood. when we only try to be understood, we forget to understand. we lose sight of the other person and what they want, feel, and desire. we end up fighting to get the other person to understand instead of taking a step back and putting on the other person's shoes.  it's a very human thing to do. we all want to be understood.

4. Beijing Huan Ying Ni (various Chinese people): this is probably the most addicting song ever. 7 minutes of Chinese drums, voices, and happiness. what more could you ask for? AND you can sing along so easily. i don't know Chinese so i make up words. i can't get enough of it.

5. Dreamer (by Kari Kimmel): This song gives me goosebumps. It is about heartache and the loss of someone you love. About someone who says he wants to give you everything, and then leaves you alone.  It is about all of the emotions and frustrations you feel when you lose someone. The singer's voice along with the piano make this song extremely moving.

6. Can't Go Back Now (by The Weepies): I love everything by the weepies.  Although this song has a feeling of making you want to go back in time and fix things, I find a greater resolve to make each day matter, to live life to the fullest. In the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take yourself. Enough said.

7. Between the Lines (Sara Bareilles): this song is me. my mind is cruel. queen of attention to detail. i remember everything. usually good, sometimes bad. i learn to listen to the silence. i don't like to bring things up that bother me...something that i am working on. most of the relationships i have had were between the lines. nothing ever spoken out loud, just assumed. i personally don't think that things need to be decided. people who are constantly having DTR's are dumb. i think things should just unfold naturally. this is where my assuming comes into play. words are unspoken, feelings neglected, eyes unopen. there are some pros to being this kind of person, but along come several cons. this song reminds me of who i used to be, not who i am becoming. nonetheless, it is my past.

8. Forever (by Ben Harper): Forever is a long time. i can't think about it, for it hurts my head. Forever always seems to be around when it begins, but forever is never seems to be around when it ends. i want to be someone's forever. some people give their forever away easily. forever shouldn't be taken lightly. therefore, someone else's forever is my greatest desire and goal while giving away my forever is my greatest fear. i only have one forever...and it needs to go to someone who will help me get to my highest potential.

9. Where I Stood (by Missy Higgins): Letting go is very hard for me. i have never liked change or prided myself on adapting well to it. but usually, it is what i need. fresh, new, clear...emotions i love.  "You have taught me how to trust myself, and now i say to you, this is what i have to do..." this reminds me of a tim mcgraw song. you get used to somebody and how they love and what they require to be happy. you know how to provide this love, this comfort. but is it truly enough for you? this is where you feel torn...knowing that you should move on and find someone that will make you happy, but you don't want anyone else loving the other person, even though the next girl would be more capable of loving.

10. Broken (by Lifehouse): Grey's Anatomy always has the best music to accompany the situations posed on the show. this song is about being broken, barely breathing. in the pain there is healing. this is so true, and yet so hard to do, to heal. we tend to cling to something broken, something that is literally killing us emotionally or spiritually because it is what we know. we would rather be hurting that not living at all. allowing our spirits to heal takes time, with our wounds exposed. but deep down, we know that it will be worth

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

why i wish i was 7

recently, i have been able to admit that i am a homebody. sometimes i wish i could go back 10 years and live the simpler life of monkey bars, naps, and chalk. things i love about home:
  • i love to lie on dad's side of the bed and pretend to do homework, but really, i am watching NCIS with mom
  • the food at home always tastes so much better than mine
  • i love all the chaos that comes along with my family....always noise (yes, i stir the pot and sometimes create tension...not so good)
  • when there is never a dull moment
  • when dad ends an argument with "amanda, i love you. i just want you to be happy."
  • when dad decides it time for prayer and then someone says something funny and it all spirals down hill . . . 30 minutes later he says "can we pray?"
  • playing wii with howard
  • taking wacky pictures on my computer with dad. hearing him ROAR with laughter makes my soul happ
it's truly amazing how much the Lord is involved in my life. when i think about it, God has the ultimate power and control to transform my life into something better than i can imagine. certain events in my life have led me to where i am now. i had never contemplated a mission. i don't think of myself as a scriptorian who knows everything about the church. but now, everything is different. i see myself sharing the gospel, telling everyone around why i am so happy, that there is a purpose to life. i am to the point where i just want to leave, get out of here, and share what i know!!! i was thinking i would go in april 2010. and now, i want to go in december 2009.

Monday, February 23, 2009

uplifting people...helping me become my best self

Sometimes I facebook stalk. Today I was looking at my friend Anna's page (she is a beautiful person, inside and out, and has amazing spiritual advice) and came across this. I knew it had to be good if Anna found it:

I was so excited that I watched it twice! Then I sent it to my mom and Dallas, two of my favorite people that would appreciate this uplifting message. Then when Mad was trying to get the printer to work, I showed her. She was a little hesistant at first, seeing as it is almost 7 minutes long, but she really liked it!

I truly cherish the talks I have with Dal. We can go from talking about 24 to something spiritual. He always has some incredible insight to give me, especially with mission advice. Recently, we have been talking about my possible mission and how I feel about it. He always says that he will support me in whatever I do, that he wants me to be happy. He is always encouraging me to be the best person I can be, one of the many things I love about him...

So, I was talking to Dal last night about life and missions and futures. He asked me if I was going on a mission. I told him that I didn't know. He asked me what was holding me back. I had to think about this...and really, there isn't anything holding me back. I'll be done with school, my family and friends support really, nothing is holding me back. Dal told me that I would make a great missionary. I told him I was so scared to go, that I don't know what I would say if someone started to interrogate me about the church. I have a strong yet simple testimony. I know that there is a Heavenly Father who loves me, that Jesus is my Savior, that He is truly the only one who knows EXACTLY how I am feeling, that the Atonement is here so that we can utilize it and return to live with Heavenly Father again. I know that Joseph Smith restored the gospel and saw Heavenly Father and Jesus. I know that prayer is real, that God always answers prayers, that the scriptures are here to help us grow closer to Jesus and to help us learn from other's mistakes. I know that there is a prophet on the earth today, President Monson, who leads and guides the church under the influence of the Holy Ghost. I know that we can repent of our sins and be clean again, that we just have to let go of pride and ask Heavenly Father to make our weaknesses become strong. This is what I know to be true. And I want to share what I know, why I am the happy person that I am, with those who don't know the truth, who are looking for a deeper meaning and purpose in life.

I love all the people I work with. I asked the amazing girls that went on missions why they chose to go. Shandy told me that I would never regret going on a mission, but that I would regret not going. This hit home because it is true... why would I regret serving the Lord and bringing the truth to those who don't have it?

There are so many reasons TO go and few if none to not go.....

Friday, February 20, 2009

life comes at you fast

i love blogs. i love reading them and hearing little thoughts that go on inside people's minds. i just can't seem to find enough time for writing in mine...

i like to be busy, always doing something. i love my job. i love always helping people and assisting the doctors (busy busy). i love school and learning and making schedules to do homework. i love going to the gym and running and doing yoga and doing the rowing maching. i love making dinner from scratch. i love reading my scriptures and self-improvement books. i love painting my nails and plucking my eyebrows and curling my hair. i love seeing my dearest friends and hearing about their amazing lives. i love the temple and the peace it brings. i love ALL of these things. but tell me how to do all of this in one day. tell me how to balance myself, how to destress (i do like tanning, but this is not the healthiest destresser), how to see into the future and know that everything will work out.

i had a melt down week. i felt like i couldn't take it anymore. so, i went to starbucks to get a chai tea (thank you nikki for introducing me to these!) but, it was closed (when does starbucks close at 10?). so instead, i went to dairy queen and ordered two mint oreo shakes, one for me and one for mad. i felt much better after downing that sucker, but the lingering thoughts of doubt were still present...

it is amazing to me that all of THE biggest life choices fall into my lap at the same time....i am about to graduate, P.A. applications begin in may, mission papers could go in in october, dating... i don't even want to throw boys into this mix. at times, i just want to put these decisions aside...but i can't. this is where faith comes. i just need to move forward and truly believe that things WILL work out how they should. but what do i plan on right now??? do i go on a mission and forget about temporal things? do i finish byu and move right on to P.A. school? ahh...i'm getting a headache just thinking about this...where is my magic 8 ball? or my genie?

on a lighter note, i love Madelaine! we have so much fun doing random things. we go shopping in park city for $300 jeans, hang out with quirky boys and take pictures, make full meals, buy toilet seat covers, share a love of tanning and spoon me...basically we can do anything and have a great time.

i had these coupons for sandwiches, one was free and one was $2 off. i was SO excited to use these! i had 2, so mad and i could both get a great deal. so we go to gandalfo's to get our sandwiches. i take the coupons to the sandwich man and ask him which sandwiches we can get with the coupons. he looks at it and says, "uh...these coupons are for quiznos." hahaha i felt like THE dumbest person on the planet. i was laughing so hard, mad was laughing, and the guy stared at us like we were idiots. things like this bring us joy. i am glad we can entertain each other.

i am very happy the sun is starting to shine! two more months till summer!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, January 23, 2009

little joys today

i remember when my dad called me a simpleton for not knowing how to lift the hood up on my car. i don't know much about cars. if i ever need help, i'll call 1-800-BACK-U-UP. So, maybe i am a simpleton. well, maybe the barbie version (makeup, hair, nails, summer glow all year around kind, fashionable kind. so i am a little high maintenance. i just like to look as good as i feel!)

i feel that i am a simple person. i am happy to be alive and not afraid to share my feelings (which can be good and bad i guess). simple things make me happy. i don't feel that i am hard to parents may not agree with this (christmas videos bare it all). but the older i get, the more i realize that i already have everything i want. i have an AMAZING family, fun fun friends that make me want to be better, a tub that i like to fill with bubbles, memory foam on my bed, and of course, the gospel.

i like to smile. i frequently get the question "why are you smiling?" simple..i love life! i have been looking for my little joys everyday and i have come to realize that i am so tremendously blessed! here are my free joys for today:

  • waking up excited that it is FRIDAY!!

  • wearing my rainboots because it is wet outside and being able to blaze through those puddles

  • trying out new curly shampoo and mousse that Madelaine introduced me to..i woke up to a curly mane!

  • exchanging looks with Ted in Neurobiology when people make bizarre comments

  • getting a text from someone I love.... ;)

  • being thanked for opening a door

  • talking with friends at work about dating

  • realizing that i have a SUPER fun date tonight...every time i think about it, i get those jittery feelings in my stomach ;) only 2 more hours!

  • talking to mom on the phone

  • getting a voicemail from Dean... i love to be greeted as "Shemanda!"

  • hearing a happy song on Pandora

  • glancing in the mirror and seeing that my head is as bright as a lightbulb...i love blonde hair

  • getting a compliment on my shoes

  • jumping into bed and realizing that it is still warm from sleeping in it

  • understanding a difficult concept in Chemistry

  • seeing that Pookie sent me 25 texts saying "Stop whining ya big boob" ha ha i laugh out loud every time

  • finding time to read scriptures in the middle of the day

  • little moments of peace

Sunday, January 11, 2009

what i have come to realize

i am a thinker. i am never without thought. sometimes i overanalyze my life. things with boys and school are simple and yet, i make them complicated. i like to close my eyes and dream up the perfect world for me...5 years down the road. where will i be? i have this notion that after pa school, life will be bliss. no problems. no worries. and yet, i know deep within that there will always be life stresses. well now that i got this out..... i have been thinking about my mom a lot lately. i've always known that my mom is amazing...superwoman is the best word to describe her. she is always sacrificing her time for everyone around her. she cooks and cleans with little thanks. she makes beautiful dresses when she has no time. she has several callings in the ward that demand attention. she has many friends that require emotional energy. and still, she makes time for family. i really don't know how she does all of this. she is one of the most patient and loving people i have ever known. i mean, she dealt with me and all of the terrible things i said and put her through. i look back at those years and feel physically sick. she was the one person cheering me on in life and giving me love and i was pushing her away. my mom is my best friend. she tells me things that i do not always want to hear. she helps guide me in the right direction. she has taught me to love others and to see them the way God sees people. she has taught me to stay close to God and to put Him first in my life. she instilled my testimony of the gospel and helped me strengthen it. she has met every need that i have had. i highly regard her opinions. she loves me unconditionally. she has made me into the person i am today and i am eternally grateful for her Christlike love and example. if i can be half the woman she is, my life will be complete. i love you mom! you mean the world to me and nothing could ever change this. i support you in all you do!