Friday, November 13, 2009

learning to juggle

it's crazy how fast i grow up. i can remember the first days living in the dorms...prison in my opinion. now i have a few weeks left of this a senior in COLLEGE. i have one semester left and i am done. over. kaput. weird.

so i decided on a very big life-altering decision. i am going on a mish. i NEVER would have thought i would say this. but...things change. heavenly father intervenes when He finds it appropriate.

i questioned Him...why now?
why after i have my plan to graduate, apply to p.a. school, and move out of utah? why now, after i have FINALLY decided on things...?

i was upset.
i couldn't understand why He felt that after 3 1/2 years of angst and turmoil over my life plans (going from neuroscience to hating chemistry to human development to special education back to exercise science and more chemistry)after finally getting a good grasp on what i want to do with my life, that i now need another change of plans. He knows i am a planner...i own like 8 planners...i make schedules every day. i try to do things hour by hour. i am organized. i am always planning the next step.

i think Heavenly Father thinks this is funny. He enjoys keeping me on my toes. sometimes i can feel His laughter. way cool. i think He likes throwing in another ball for me to juggle to see how i will handle it and how long it will take me before i say, "ok. you were right. i need help. teach me how to juggle."

maybe He wants to teach me something. maybe He wants me to find people that want to know about Jesus and why they are here. maybe my family needs extra blessings....oh i don't know.

so i am moving forward. i have good feelings. i feel Heavenly Father's approval. He likes my plan. this is good. i need support, especially from Him. i don't know what i am throwing myself into. i will be in a different place with no family, no friends, maybe no understanding of the language or normal food. you ask a random person on the street and they would think i was crazy to do this...

but i know why i am doing this. it is simple. i love Heavenly Father. i love Jesus. i am happy. i want other people to be happy. i want a happier world. i want to teach what i know. i want to be that beacon on a hill. yes this is why i want to be a missionary.

i met with bishop. he gave me lots of reading materials. i have learned so much. i meet with him again in a couple weeks for the interview. then i can start getting my papers ready. ooo i have those tingling feelings inside right now, telling me this is good. phew. Heavenly Father knows who i am. He knows what i can handle. but please, no more curve balls right now. :)