learning to juggle

it's crazy how fast i grow up. i can remember the first days living in the dorms...prison in my opinion. now i have a few weeks left of this semester...as a senior in COLLEGE. i have one semester left and i am done. over. kaput. weird.

so i decided on a very big life-altering decision. i am going on a mish. i NEVER would have thought i would say this. but...things change. heavenly father intervenes when He finds it appropriate.

i questioned Him...why now?

why after i have my plan to graduate, apply to p.a. school, and move out of utah? why now, after i have FINALLY decided on things...?

i was upset.

i couldn't understand why He felt that after 3 1/2 years of angst and turmoil over my life plans (going from neuroscience to hating chemistry to human development to special education back to exercise science and more chemistry)after finally getting a good grasp on what i want to do with my life, that i now need another change of plans. He knows i am a planner...i own like 8 planners...i make schedules every day. i try to do things hour by hour. i am organized. i am always planning the next step.

i think Heavenly Father thinks this is funny. He enjoys keeping me on my toes. sometimes i can feel His laughter. way cool. i think He likes throwing in another ball for me to juggle to see how i will handle it and how long it will take me before i say, "ok. you were right. i need help. teach me how to juggle."

maybe He wants to teach me something. maybe He wants me to find people that want to know about Jesus and why they are here. maybe my family needs extra blessings....oh i don't know.

so i am moving forward. i have good feelings. i feel Heavenly Father's approval. He likes my plan. this is good. i need support, especially from Him. i don't know what i am throwing myself into. i will be in a different place with no family, no friends, maybe no understanding of the language or normal food. you ask a random person on the street and they would think i was crazy to do this...

but i know why i am doing this. it is simple. i love Heavenly Father. i love Jesus. i am happy. i want other people to be happy. i want a happier world. i want to teach what i know. i want to be that beacon on a hill. yes this is why i want to be a missionary.

i met with bishop. he gave me lots of reading materials. i have learned so much. i meet with him again in a couple weeks for the interview. then i can start getting my papers ready. ooo i have those tingling feelings inside right now, telling me this is good. phew. Heavenly Father knows who i am. He knows what i can handle. but please, no more curve balls right now. :)

my mind at 2:30 am

"Faith is knowing that Christ is the Savior. Hope is knowing that Christ is your Savior. Charity is knowing that Christ is everyone's Savior."

i stumbled upon this quote tonight...well i guess today (2:30 am doing organic chem and anatomy). this really struck me. the more and more i pray to heavenly father about a mission, the more it seems right. i want to share this knowledge with everyone so that they can be as happy as i am.

mad put it this way: 18 months of being in a different place with people you don't know (something that i am craving right now), making life long friends, 100% service, personal growth and maturity, completely forgetting myself, and spreading the love of Jesus to everyone around me. AND only blessings come from this.

In the Sunday afternoon session of conference, Elder Brent Nielson gave an outstanding talk about missionary work that got my spirit going. He quotes President Monson on missionary work, “What a promise! If we respond affirmatively to that sacred call, that binding authority, ‘I will be with you always, even unto the end of the world.’ I can’t think of a greater promise."

I love this:

The Savior’s call is to you of the rising generation. He is asking for worthy, prepared, faithful young men and young women who will heed the prophet’s voice, who will step up and say, as the Savior Himself said, “Here am I, send me”. The need has never been greater. The field has never been whiter. You are called to go “this last time”. There is no greater work; there is no greater call than teaching “all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost”.

After hearing this talk, I seriously felt that my spirit was going to jump out of my body. I became SOOOO excited about sharing the gospel with anyone and everyone.

One of my best friends, Zee, is a doctor I work with. He is Muslim. He and his beautiful family went to the Oquirrh Mountain temple open house with Mad and me. We went to his prayer service. We have had several religious conversations. We have found similarities in our beliefs. One day after work, he asked me if I had looked into any other religions. I said no, that I knew that the gospel was true so there was no reason for me to look for something else. He then asked how I knew that the gospel was true, how I personally knew this. I had never been asked this before, but I did not have to think twice about my response. I told him that I had always known, that I had prayed and read my scriptures. Through these acts, I was able to develop a relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus. I knew that they loved me and had a plan for me. The gospel is simple. I am simple. Therefore, it resonates with me. It answers all of my questions about life...who am I? where am I going? why am I here? I had never been asked to share my testimony in this way before, but i LOVED it. i loved being able to share what i know to be true, why i am so happy. i am truly grateful for my conversations with Zee, that I am able to explain what i know and why i know it to be true. i am grateful for his insight and questions.

although i know that a mission will be hard hard work, i know that it will be worth it. i will be able to answer many people's prayers. i will be able to share the gospel with those yearning to know who they are and why they are here.

i'll tell you what i know. i know that i am a child of God. He loves me. He loves me so much that He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to earth to atone for not only my sins, but for all mankind. He wants us to return to Him. this is why the Atonement is here. it is real. it allows us to change our lives in a moment. He has given us scriptures that we may learn the commandments, that we may learn from other's mistakes. He has given us prayer so that we can communicate what is in our hearts, that we may feel His love if we just ask for it. He has given us a prophet to lead and guide us today. President Monson is His mouthpiece. revelation is real. we all can receive it. think of Joseph Smith. he was 14 when he prayed in a grove. Heavenly Father answered his prayer, so why wouldn't he answer ours? He has given us temples, that we may feel a bit of heaven on earth, that we may feel peace in a tumultuous world. He has given us families to love and learn and grow with. He gives us trials, that we may develop faith in Him and Jesus, that our testimonies will grow tremendously.

in a nutshell, God loves us. so much. He wants us to be happy. if we will turn our hearts over to Him and allow Him to shape and mold us into the people He wants us to be, we will be happy. He has a plan for us. He is there for us...all we need to do is let Him in.

dear boys...

dear boys,

after many encounters with you, i feel that i need to lay down the law.

first off, when did it ever become ok to text or call me at midnight to come over and "hang out?" we both know that this is code for cuddling and/or kissing and/or ncmos (non-committal make outs). i do not have "easy" stamped on my forehead. call me old-fashioned, but doesn't dating include going out on dates? no, this is not hanging out at your apartment or watching a movie. how hard is it to say, "hey, wanna grab something to eat?" or "wanna go on a walk?" i already have my guy friends that i hang out with and do boy things with (watching sports, etc). so yes, i will decline your invitation to hang out. i deserve to be taken out. no exceptions. if you think this is lame, newsflash....so are you.

second, i am a nerd. i love school and learning and studying. yes, i want to be a doctor or a physician's assistant. therefore, i am busy with school. i will not slack on my school work to hang out with you. i will not act or pretend to be dumb in order to make your ego sky rocket. i like having conversations that have substance (don't sit there and tell me how "amazing" i am so that you can get some). embrace my smartness or leave me alone.

yes, i can be intimidating. i know who i am. i am confident. i smile. i look you in the eye. i have a strong testimony of jesus and the gospel. i love church and going to the temple. i don't waste my time doing stupid things. i do not dirty text. i do not dirty dance. i do not play games. if i want to talk to you, i will. i am not a dud. i am independent. i am not clingy. i do not need to be with you every second of the day. i do spontaneous crazy random things. i enjoy laughing. i laugh a lot. i am happy. i am blunt, usually in a nice way. i am a simple person. i do like to get all dolled up every once in a while. i enjoy being feminine. if you cannot handle who i am, please back off.

like i said, i am a simple girl. i want a good boy to take me out on dates. if i like you, you will know. now seriously, am i asking too much of you?

well now that you know how i do things, man up or be gay.

love,

amanda

we.are.brown.

mad and i woke up on saturday morning and decided we wanted brown hair. impulsive? yes. crazy? you might say so. did we love it? we sure did.

i don't think i have said "i'm so excited" more in my entire life. haha it kinda felt like i was about to go on the world's tallest rollercoaster... those jittery feelings in my stomach. BUT... i am happy with the end results.

so it is a way different look. more natural right? i haven't been dark in years. so it's a drastic change. and i'm feeling hopeful. peace.

what i aspire to be :)

so i've decided that i want to be a hippie. i have good reasons for this.

#1) peace and love....the life motto of a hippie. i am

all about peace and love. spreading this only creates joy. i flash my peace fingers every chance i get. anything that represents peace (ex: peace sign on mi coche, peace shirts and pins) gets me SO excited.

#2) headbands and funky jewelry....i am obsessed with headbands. i love the ones that go across your forehead..the braided ones. and i love weird jewelry, like an owl necklace or wood bracelets or metal rings.

#3) the laid-back mindset....this is something that i am trying to attain. i get so caught up in life plans, focusing on the future, planning class schedules, mcat dates, africa trips. i stress myself out, which ultimately doesn't allow me to enjoy whatever is going on right then. i have a hard time living in the moment.

#4) flowery clothes, bright plaid shirts, multi-colored pants, boho skirts....i love the "throw on whatever and call it good" style. i enjoy putting on, what some may call, unmatching outfits and feeling good wearing them. mismatching is fantastic. it's unique. no one else will be wearing the same thing as me. i like that.

#5) natural organic foods....i am all about eating foods in their elemental form. i would love to be 100% raw. it just becomes difficult when i don't have much time to prepare the food (sprouting, juicing). so ideally, my diet would consist of only raw food...someday.

#6) yoga....i emphatically LOVE yoga. i truly believe that health is all encompassing: physical, mental, spriritual, social. yoga strengthens each of these areas for me. i love that yoga allows me to take a step back and BREATHE. i love the poses and how they cleanse not only my body, but my mind as well. i become centered and feel limitless when i'm finished.

Hippies just lead a simpler life of love, peace, sunshine, and freedom. As the Beatles would say, all you need is love.

As Erica Jong would say, "Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

And to the world: make love, not war.

Jack's Perfect Ten

i went to the gym with howard tonight. the gym on 8th now has a cardio cinema. neato. and it has amazing circulation. i was in exercise heaven. then we went to sub zero, our favorite place. he told me that he would pay for me, since i was babysitting. i obliged willingly of course. afterwards, we went to my apartment and packed up all my shoes (three bins full) to move home until i can move into the condo. THEN we came home to the parents house. and i stumbled upon papa's perfect ten.

this is fantastic, so fantastic that i will post it for you to read!!

"Jack's Perfect Ten"

1. Beauty/Handsome 1.0
2. Figure/Physique 1.0
3. Personality 1.0
4. Empathy 1.0
5. Intellect 1.0
6. Spirituality 1.0
7. Sense of Humor 1.0
8. Maturity 1.0
9. Honesty 1.0
10. Affluence/Ambition 1.0

10.0

CHEMISTRY - 2 point bonus


i was SO happy that i found this! i remember one time when papa was out here, he asked me about my love life. ha i was 18 at the time, living in the dorms with boys that either (as they put it) wanted to "fill their canteens before the mish" or read scriptures for a date. eww. gross. i told him that i wasn't interested in any boys, that i had plenty guy friends, but none that i wanted to date. he then told me about the perfect ten. when he was stake president, he would counsel the youth to follow the perfect ten plan. if you found a possible husband and he met 8 of the 10 requirements, you were smooth sailing. he then told me that physicality was big, that you need to be attracted to the boy and likewise, i needed to make sure i always looked my best. papa was big on appearance, always dressed to a tee. i have always remembered this for some reason, always wanting to look my best because you never know who you are going to encounter. some may say that i have been slacking in this area lately (i love sweats and the current trend of the punk bright-colored plaid blouse-shirt things and skinny jeans and weird headbands). but hey, i am comfortable in my own skin. and if i love how i look, then it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks right? ha, mad and i had a discussion on what our styles are. she is definitely preppy flirty. but i cannot be categorized. some days i am punk, some days i am preppy. some days i am grungy. some days i am the all american girl, t-shirt and jeans. i can be flirty or nerdy or collegiate or businessy or country or medical or eighties. it just depends on what side of my personality is dominating in the morning. i like my unique style, as pookie would put it.

my favorite day of the week

i love sundays! they are hands down my favorite day of the week! i love waking up (well kinda) and getting all dressed up for church. i love walking into the chapel where people of all kinds gather for the same reason: to be edified and taught by the Spirit. i love singing the hymns, listening to the speakers and hearing their insights on gospel principles. i love talking about Jesus and leaving church striving to be a better person, to serve someone, to take a step back and see a situation from another's perspective. basically, i love the feeling that i can take on the world, that Jesus is on my side, that with Him i can do all things. i come away with a reassurance of faith in Jesus, that He is always by my side, encouraging and walking with me every step of the way.

i have been a stress basket for the past couple months. i graduate in april. i will be 21. i have several options at this point. i could go straight to physician's assistant school, i could go on a mission, i could take a year off of school and work, i could take the mcat and go to med school. these are HUGE life decisions that are all coming at once. i worried incessantly, which has caused me to be exhausted physically and emotionally, to break out (oh how i love bumpy skin...gross), and to become somewhat withdrawn. i just wanted someone to tell me what to do. i have not gotten a definite answer. so does this mean that they are all good options? should i go with the flow and see what happens in a year from now? this second option kills me. i am a planner. i make time to make schedules. i hate surprises. maybe Heavenly Father is trying to teach me something....patience.

one night when i was venting to my mom about not knowing what to do with my life, she said something that struck me....surprise surprise. my mom is one of the wisest people i know. and she is usually right. she asked me if i had written out the pros and cons of each decision. i had. she then asked me if i had taken this to Heavenly Father. i said i had, but that i had not received an answer. she then told me to let go of my own desires and tell Heavenly Father that i was ready to do whatever He would have me do. this sounds so simple. and yet, i had some reservations.

i found that i had some fear within me, the fear of the unknown. i feel like i am in a tunnel and i have reached a three-way crossing. i have a flashlight, but i cannot see what is at the end of each path. and i have to make a decision.

so i went to the temple on Friday night. i wish i could go to the temple every day. the amount of peace i felt there was overwhelming. i was given the reassurance that everything will work out, to not stress about these decisions. so i am trying something new. i am just gunna go with it. come what may. now i just need to maintain the faith in Jesus that He will lead me to where i need to be to best serve Him.

i am coming to find more and more that life isn't about what kind of career i will have or how much money i will make. it is about serving others, lifting those who are in a low place, smiling and spreading the Christlike love, becoming more like Jesus, and helping everyone return back to Heavenly Father.

some of my favorite faith scriptures/quotes that boost my spirit when doubt enters:

"And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me." Moroni 7:33

"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." D&C 6:36

“Faith in something greater than ourselves enables us to do what we have said we'll do, to press forward when we are tired or hurt or afraid, to keep going when the challenge seems overwhelming and the course is entirely uncertain.” Gordon B. Hinckley

“This is my prayer for all of us—'Lord, increase our faith.' Increase our faith to bridge the chasms of uncertainty and doubt. . . . Grant us faith to look beyond the problems of the moment to the miracles of the future. . . . Give us faith to do what is right and let the consequence follow.” - Gordon B. Hinckley