the turning point

oh.em.gee. get this...

as i was winding down for the night, i thought to check my nursing application status. it has been almost two months and i haven't heard a single word. nada. the anxiety has been KILLING me. so i sign in and there is a new link that says i can check to see if i was accepted to the program beginning March 11. it was 11:47pm. those 13 minutes felt like 3 hours. but as soon as it was midnight, boom! i clicked the link and the amazingly beautiful rare phrase of CONGRATULATIONS was the first thing i saw. guys.... i got in! oh.em.gee. oh.em.gee! i jumped out of my bed and ran down the hallway with my computer, woke up the parents, and shared with them my news, gave them some high fives, and then ran back to my room to actually read the acceptance letter. ahhh!!!

this is such a relief to me. i have been in limbo for about a year now, not knowing what i want to do, what programs to apply to, where i should live, where to meet boys (i'll save this for a whole different post). i needed to figure out the next step. i haven't really gotten anything concrete from Heavenly Father. just a "wait, things will work out" feeling. over and over and over. let's just say it has been trying my patience. i wanted a green light or a red light. not this yellow blinking "yield" nonsense.

well guys, i am here to tell you that things work out. definitely not on my time table. but Heavenly Father doesn't want us to fail. He won't leave us in the dark. it's so interesting how our lives turn out. i thought i had mine all mapped out. color coded. time framed. the works. yet, it hasn't gone anywhere near how i anticipated it would. but, i can say i have learned so much about myself. i have had experiences in the past year that i wouldn't trade for the world. its funny...if you would have asked me a year ago if i wanted to be a nurse, i would have laughed at that crazy idea. yet...things always fall into place. always. always. always.

it is like 2:59am. i can't sleep. i am so excited that a change is coming my way. as much as i like sameness and stability, my soul has been craving something exciting. and salt lake is close enough, but far enough away to feel new, different, refreshing. man alive, have i told you how excited i am?!?!? accelerated nursing program... HERE I COME!

g-scouts

THIS little devil has been sitting in front of me all day long. some of my patients really REALLY like me. they bring me boxes of the heaven sent cookies. i love them...the patients and the cookies. but i was determined to not eat sugar today. i have that resolve everyday. but apparently, i can't stick with it. even after learning all the harmful effects of sugar in my pathophys class (ain't nobody got time for diabeetus or heart attacks or premature aging), you'd think "girl, get it togetha!" haha quite the contrare. if someone led me to a cliff and then showed me a delicious yum yum treat at the bottom, i think i would jump to my death and hopefully have one functional limb to feed myself. i would die a sweet death. haha get it? moving on... i am loving the sweets. so i brought my V8 juice today to have at 3. and well...i made it till 3 with the cookies. i caved. i was a ticking bomb. it was inevitable. bound to happen. and it did. i had one. then one more. and thats all. at least i can control myself. sorta. but question...when did they become mini sized? i could stick 3 in my mouth and still have room to blow a big ole bubble with my gum. meh. times are hard for everyone i guess. these little guys are deceiving. if i was watching pretty little liars right now, i might down the whole box in the first 15 minutes...good thing that isn't on right now. as i have been writing, i did open my V8 juice. health benefits para mi. not quite as tasty as my samoas, but i am full and no longer craving the yum yums. the many challenges i experience here at work.

i'm alive.

i keep meaning to blog. i look at my old posts and relive those thoughts, learning from myself. i really think there is power in writing down experiences. since the mish, i have become scatterbrained. maybe im getting old. haha who knows? i wrote every. single. day on my mish. then i come home and i have written maybe 4 times. so much for keeping the habit alive. so, i am recommitting myself to blogging.  everything and nothing has happened this past year. i am still trying to figure out life. i am still having ridiculous boy experiences. maybe i will write a book. share what not to do, who not to date, how to not make eye contact with men at the gym. haha. my life is funny...in a tragic-boy-attracting way. one of these days, my honey bear will waltz on in. until then, i will continue collecting more stories to pull out when i need to entertain a group of people...

 i think that's my hold up to writing. every day feels the same, getting blended together in my mind. it would sound something like...today was nice. i worked. saved the world. went to the gym. ate some delish food. went to bed. rinse. repeat...except for the saving the world part...

but, then there are big deal events. applying to grad school and then not knowing if that is what i want to do. having mad back with me. my disillusionment with dating. liv being preggo. FINALLY feeling like bubbly amanda again (it's not like it took a year...oh wait...). so, after this biochem final tomorrow, i will sit down, put my memories to words. it'll be great. epic even.

as for now, im going to eat my zuppa tuscana soup and study fatty acid anabolism. sometimes i think i am smarter than i am. this material is whoooooooooooooshing over my head. say a prayer for me!

 

 

xoxo

amanda

headed on an airplane

so this year for Christmas, we got a trip...CANCUN! we were so excited. we got our passports, luggage tags, i practiced my spanish...then dad broke his ankle a couple weeks before the trip. so we postponed it for a month. well the weather there is terrible. so now we are going to HAWAII!! haha funny huh? we are staying in Ko Olina...not quite sure where it's at. but i do know there is sand and ocean! i laugh at the thought that we are going to the laie visitor's center in a few days as the tourists and in a couple months, i will be tour giver. i'm so excited to go experience the hawaii lifestyle before i am thrown into the mix...i'm not big on surprises. plus, nobody in the family has been before!!

we are staying here:

 

things we plan on crossing off our list:

eating legit hawaiian food...authentic pork, shaved ice, coconut pancakes to name a few

finding a gorgeous muu muu for my farewell...i wanna look the part

laying by the ocean, getting kissed by the sun

going to pearl harbor, pcc (which, i found out, i will be giving tours at...score!), laie visitor's center

learning to surf and hula

on another note, Heavenly Father answers prayers always. today was the best day our family has had in 8 months. i am so grateful for my relationships with my family members, for making them central in my life. i am grateful for eternal families, for the love and tears and laughter and craziness we experience together. i am grateful that i get to go spend 18 months with people who value their families as much as i do.

my older sister got married yesterday to THE most amazing man EVER!!! 

so newsflash to everyone: there is a 85% chance i will marry an island boy. i will name a select few reasons.

1. love of the family

2. sing

3. dance...the haka!!

4. love of food

5. tall, dark, and EXTREMELY handsome

6. simplicity = happiness

7. super affectionate

8. loud, lively personalities

i will hold out for an island man, for that is what i want/need. i feel good about this light that has been shed on my future husband.

the unfortunate flocking

everyone always says, "as soon as you get your mission call, the boys will flock to you." i say, "ya ya....right." and let's be honest. let me tell you who has been "flocking."

• slimy boys who just want to make out....if i didn't want to make out with you before, let alone be near you, why would now be any different? a mission sounds like off-limits to me. but for some, it is the green light.
• example: one boy texts me wanting to come over, to watch a movie. i say no. the movie idea turns into a tv episode. once again i decline. then the 45 minute tv show turns into an episode of the office. i'd rather not. then he starts calling. this is how it always plays out:
• 11:30 come over
• 11:32 ??
• 11:34 please. hurry. i'm alone
• 11:35 first phone call
• 11:36 second phone call
• 11:38 i'm on my way over
• 11:41 third phone call
• 11:42 i'm turning my car around 
• (understand that i don't answer any of these texts or phone calls, and yet, they keep on coming)
• one night i explain to him that he needs to call during normal hours (understand that he used to text at 1:30 or later...he is getting better. props to him) so what does he do? he calls at 10:30 am on a saturday. i still don't answer my phone. get the hint buddy.
• boys soliciting themselves to fill my canteen. um, can you just say gross and desperate? you boys should be ashamed of yourselves.
• boys giving me advice about kissing. "you need to kiss as many people as you can before you go." here's food for thought: how is not kissing someone for 18 months on a mission any different than not kissing anyone for 18 months at home? what if kissing means something to me? ever think about that? i'm not kissing just to kiss. i'm not skanky.
• random weirdos wanting to go out. is it rude that i say no? i don't think so. i don't want to waste your money or waste my time. boys always complain that girls aren't honest, that if they don't want to go out with a guy they should be upfront about it. well, i am honest abe. embrace it

so as "they" say, boys flock. but nobody i want. i know who i want. give me a tall (6'2), dark hair, pretty smile, warm eyes, suit-wearing, ambitious, temple-going man.

i know you are out there. but as mom says, it is not my time for this.

i guess heavenly father is right. i am supposed to go on a mission. haha

what i've been up to

let me share the happy things i have been up to lately:

mom and i went to LEGALLY BLONDE, the musical, at capitol theatre. simply amazing and inspiring.

attempting to eat only lactose and gluten free foods (no breads, milk, cheese, butter, basically anything good). i have found some yummy things amidst the dry, bland stuff they call food. 

• kinnikritters (delicious animal cookies. i think they are for children. but i feel 5.)
• chocolate chex (gluten free, not dairy free but a ok with me)
• rice cakes with almond butter....my staple breakfast food
• this amazing sandwich bread! my friend cate is also gluten intolerant and she made this from scratch. SOOO good. it tastes just like normal bread. try it!

training for my marathon. i have a love/hate relationship with running. i feel so empowered after but i dread those long runs. i was supposed to run 10 miles today. i biked 15 instead. not quite the same, but it was quality time with howard and i will take that over running any day.

i am now back to being my bubbly blonde self (thanks to my gorgeous friend cass)

all of my favorite tv shows are on right now!!! i am loving life. and i have discovered some new ones. oh to have all the time in the world to do nothing: 






• monday: gossip girl (amazing fashion, love stories galore, drama that i love to watch but don't want in my own life....basically my guilty pleasure)
• tuesday: lost (addicting. i crave this show. i feel like the characters are my friends. totally normal)
• thursday: grey's (once again, these people are my friends. i love the crazy new twists that occur. and i love the patient stories...i mean it is a medical show and therefore should have some neat surgery operations. thank you grey's for never letting me down!)
• tivo: parenthood (easily my new favorite show. it depicts real life family craziness, which is hilarious because i can totally relate! seriously though, i laugh throughout the whole show "dude, i have a son named jabar." HAHA love this)

MARCH MADNESS....i can't get enough of this! so many upsets. after tonights game with k state and kentucky losing, my bracket is shot. but how bout a shout out to all the underdogs? holler. and my team is still tearing it up out there. GO DUKE!!!

temple prep with mom. i cannot express my excitement to go to the temple. 4 days people. i don't feel old enough to do this. can someone please press pause to my life? it is going in double fast forward

school...but only 12 more days of classes (and a couple of tests) and i am DONE with BYU!!! can you say ELATED?!?! i sure can.

work. i live at work. it has been crazy stressful, to the point of me wanting to quit. i lined up several interviews at some places. BUT...this past week has been so much better. so i told myself i could stick it out for another couple of months. each hour counts for P.A. school. it'll pay off eventually...hopefully. if only money grew on my trees.

trying to find time to talk to Heavenly Father. i sometimes feel like i am talking to him on the phone but i keep saying "oh...can you hold on for a sec?" and then i forget He is on the line. i hate this. i want to talk to Him all day long, which is why i am so grateful for prayers that are said in the heart. i just want to sit outside in the sun, reading scriptures and preach my gospel and other uplifting books and pray....but alas, this is not the case. so im trying to do what the sacrament prayers talk about: remembering Him. i'll keep ya posted on how this goes.

calling my friends and extended family on the phone to stay connected. i have to charge my phone at least three times a day. ridiculous i know. i surface once a month for social outings. this will happen in about 2 weeks. get ready.

where i will be four months from now!

so i totally got my call. are ya ready?!?

i'm going to HAWAII (honolulu to be exact, as well as the laie visitor's center)!!!! i leave for the MTC on June 30.  an island was definitely on my list of where i would love to go. but let's be real...who ever thinks about being called to hawaii? not i. ah...a warm beautiful exotic island. let me share my happy thoughts:

1. the sun is shining every day! this means i won't get any kind of SAD (seasonal affective disorder...depressed because there is no sun and therefore no vitamin D). i will, at the very least, have a tan face (my selfish vain happy thought)

2. i am "encouraged" to wear bright, colorful clothing, including floral prints (woo! totally in style right now). i can wear sandals, which means NO pantyhose (double woo). 

3. i can stay blonde (my other selfish vain happy thought)! there are hair salons on the island. yay for p-day.

4. i don't have to pack a bag full of tampons, pads, pressed powder, eyeliner, deodorant. etc....hawaii is industrialized. i can buy these things there. YES!

5. there are palm trees EVERYWHERE!!! i can see the ocean!! 

6. hawaiians move slower. they are chill. they take their time, for what is the rush? 

7. i can eat FRUIT and FISH, two of my favorite things.

8. there are a lot of asians (at least some come to visit)!!! although asia is where i really wanted to go, i will get to see and talk to asians in hawaii!

9. i will meet people from all over the world, and as my mom put it, i will be able to plant seeds in people, who will hopefully go back to their homeland and pursue the missionaries there.

10. quite possibly, i will be able to wear real flowers in my hair. LOVE.

11. luaus, the haka, kalua pork, ukeleles, hawaiian floral print shirts...

12. i just might be able to learn how to hula dance! 

13. Heavenly Father totally wants and needs me in hawaii, which from researching and learning more about hawaii, seems to be one of the happiest places on earth, full of loving and joyful people. He knows  me and what i can handle, what i can offer, how i can touch people. this gets me SOOOO enthused!!

i have been looking at so many pictures of honolulu and laie. i don't know exactly where i will be, but every picture i have looked at has been BEAUTIFUL. take a peek!

honolulu

honolulu

laie temple

laie

laie

laie

Heavenly Father loves us beyond what we can comprehend. im so grateful for this amazing opportunity to go serve the people of hawaii, as well as all of the visitors that come to his beautiful place. i am grateful that Heavenly Father trusts that i will be able to touch the lives of others living and visiting here. 

in a nutshell, i love this gospel and i am excited to go share my testimony with others!

a heavenly message

my convo with dad last night:

dad: you know, i really hope your call comes on wednesday.
me: you and me both pal!
dad: cuz if it comes the following week, john and i will be in las vegas (mountain west b-ball tourney).
me: um....ok.
dad: i wanna be there when you open it, but we have b-ball tickets. you would have to open it at four or something.
me: well, too bad. im sorry. im not opening it at four. i have work. and i will open it at 8. cuz that is when people can come.  i guess i could just call you when i open it.
dad: let's just hope that it comes on wednesday.

this afternoon:


"Just checked the online status of your papers. It says, "Call letter sent." That means the mission assignment was made today, and you will receive the letter next week - usually Wednesday! Woo hoo!! (written on facebook from a member of the stake presidency).

i just about PEED my pants when i read this. i immediately called dad. we were both elated! that message was a godsend. so grateful for people who look out for me.

now i just need to wait until wednesday. only. 4 1/2 days. ahhhhhh

creepers

it's a fact of life. 

gym = creepers! 

no way around this. they can be small and scrawny with receding hair lines or no hair at all that try to strike up a conversation with the same opening line every time. 

or it's a young dude with tattoos and weird eyebrow piercings and eyeliner who stares. 

or it's a gym rat who interrupts my set with a "sick" technique that will get me better results. 

or it is an old horny man that follows me to each machine or the hot tub. 

how they happen to be at the gym at the same time as me every day BLOWS my mind, seeing as my gym time changes every day. there is one guy who seems to be in every class i do (yoga, turbo kick, spin, abs/glutes...). SOOOOO ...what's the word....CREEPY!!! there is a reason why i go in baggy t-shirts and capris. but alas, the creepers keep on creepin. let me know if you have any tricks to make these buggers leave me ALONE!

10 days and COUNTING!!!!

it's coming.....

 and it's coming SOON!!! 

i met with my stake president today and he said that my call will most likely come next wednesday!! that is SOOOO crazy!!! im getting so anxious/nervous/excited/butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling. my mom put a map of the world in the family room. i find myself plopping down indian style in front of the map, looking at all of the different countries, finding new places each time i glance over the world. am i going to be eating rice with chopsticks or lots of meat and beans or fresh fish caught in the ocean that morning (that's for you dad, seeing as my life "revolves" around food)?

 people keep asking me where i want to go. i usually say wherever, not giving them any idea of where i want to go. so now, the truth comes out. i would love to go to asia, or somewhere latin america/south america-ish or someplace poor with humble people and circumstances. my chances of getting any of these three is relatively large. yep. i am happy.

 but guess what? it doesn't matter where i want to go. it is where Heavenly Father wants me to go. people have said, in my opinion, the most random places: from Chicago to Guatemala to Mongolia to Maine to France to Nevada to Spain. 

the coolest thing about the whole mission call process is that i will go where i am needed. it is not a luck of the draw deal. i will go where i personally can touch lives, inspire them to come unto Jesus and follow Him, teach them principles that will increase their happiness 100 fold. and whether that be in Wyoming or Germany or Japan, i will know that Heavenly Father wants ME there. so cool.

on a lighter note, my official marathon training starts tomorrow. am i nuts? yes yes, i think this every time i run. how i will ever be able to run 26.2 miles is beyond me. but, i like challenges. i love the idea of completing something that i don't think is possible. i love stretching myself, my brain and ideas of what i can do, pushing myself to the limit. the more i think/plan my runs, the more parallels i find within the gospel. some may think this is bizarre. not at all. what are we all supposed to do? endure to the end. life is not a sprint; rather, it is a day-by-day process. in order for me to run 26.2 miles, i must start with the short runs (3 miles) and master that in order to build up to the anticipated marathon. same goes for the church. specifically entering the temple (this is my focus right now). 

let me share this with you. i used to find it so hard to find time to read the scriptures everyday. i know the stories. i have read the book of mormon at least ten times. so why would it matter if i missed a day? well a day would turn into a week, then several weeks. and i felt something was missing. so i started reading a few verses a day. this turned into a chapter to 3 chapters to at least 30 minutes a day. i found new things each time i read that i did not know before. my days went SOOO much better. i was happier. i was able to recognize promptings from the Holy Ghost. i was better at warding off Satan. i was kinder to my family. i was slower to anger. i was more willing to offer assistance. i went out of my way to find other people to serve. and all of this because i decided to nourish my soul with the book of mormon. it truly is the most powerful life-changing book. 

back to my analogy. in order to be prepared to enter the temple, i must do the little things every day. i need to read my scriptures, pray to Heavenly Father (truly conversing with Him), serve those around me, repent of my wrong-doings and bad thoughts, and go to church every sunday to strengthen my testimony and strengthen those around me. doing these seemingly mundane things have shaped my person, my character, who i am. i didn't realize this at the time, but i am so grateful that i have developed these habits. 

i cannot wait to go to the temple. so many things to look forward to in these next few weeks. and the anticipated post will arrive in 10 short days....where in the WORLD am i gunna go?!?!

my all-encompassing new year's goal

Elements of a Raw Food Diet:

1. Eat completely raw
2. Daily exercise
3. Daily sun exposure
4. Mind your mind
5. Breathe fresh air
6. Get enough sleep
7. Human contact
8. Creative expression
9. Recreation
10. Balance

music as of late...

if you are looking for any new, addicting music, here you go. these are the songs i replay at least 6 times before listening to another song. there is just something about these songs....enjoy!!

my "i LOVE this song" music:

1. rainbow - colbie caillat

2. africa - karl wolf

3. american honey - lady antebellum

4. your love is my drug - k$sha

5. ain't got love - todd carey

6. a day late (acoustic version) - anberlin

7. breakeven - the script

8. hot air balloon - owl city

9. livin' the dream - uncle kracker

10. bad romance - lady gaga

11. fire and rain - mat kearney

12. one tribe - black eyed peas

13. i look so good (without you) - jessie james

14. earth - imogen heap

15. everybody - ingrid michaelson

16. i just call you mine - martina mcbride

17. somebody to love - leighton meester

18. all i want - curtis peoples

19. love this pain - lady antebellum

20. into your eyes - lior magal

as of late...

my current loves:

my bed...memory foam + 4 pillows = heaven on earth
gossip girl...seriously addicting. i can't get enough of it!! i love all the characters. the one who is growing on me the most is chuck. he has this sensitive, romantic side that is captivating. ah...
imogen heap...she takes me to another world, one full of peace and calmness. gotta love the blissful escape her music offers.
my nails...it's amazing how pretty and feminine i feel with them on. totally classiness. i love the clicky noice they make.
the idea of raw foods...i had SO muchy energy when i was eating like a rabbit. i just gotta find that motivation again...good thing new year's is around the corner
my high heel blue boots ...they remind me of dress up as a child. and who has blue boots? no one i know. you can just call me the trend starter. ;)
pommegranates...easily my favorite fruit, if not my favorite food. mom taught me a new way to peel them. you stick em in a bowl of water and then peel it in the bowl. no red stains. raincoat is not necessary. and it only takes like 4 minutes.
chillin with howard...he is a hoot. he is basically my twin. if i were a boy, i would be him. he likes to eat, make weird faces, play Wii bowling, wrestle, sing, laugh...me to a t. he is 12 and as tall as me, has bigger hands and feet than me. it is so neat to "see" how i was when i was 12. love it.
cleaning the bathroom...i get great joy out of cleaning the toilet, the sinks, and the mirror. i feel a sense of accomplishment. i love organizing the combs, curling irons, and towels.
playing the piano and talking to papa...i have really been missing papa lately. i want to talk to him about everything that is going on, from mission to his take on med school to family things. i have never performed in front of anyone, except for recitals and piano competitions. i played the piano at papa's funeral. this was a huge deal. i was nervous, but i felt him by me the whole time. now, whenever i play the piano, i know he is there. i get emotional. his presence is almost tangible. so if i need to talk to papa, i go play the piano. he is there and is always willing to listen. he is another testimony that the gospel is true.

thought of the day

I came across this the other day. i had heard it a while ago and LOVED it. i still love it! enjoy!

I am a part of the "Fellowship of the Unashamed." The die has been cast. The decision has been made. I have stepped over the line. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still.

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense and my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap giving and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on His presence, love with patience, live by prayer and labor with power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide is reliable and my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, shut up, let up or slow up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up and spoken up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know and work till He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My banner is clear: I am a part of the "Fellowship of the Unashamed." - unknown

a.d.d. emotions

this is how i feel.

wanna know why? let's see if i can identify all of these strange emotions.

first off, i am sad. this past year, i grew very close to Zee and his family. i loved talking about medicine with him. he involved me in individual cases, helped/did my chemistry homework, taught me all the procedures (where the needle goes, what nerve is involved, why someone would have it done), explained his interviewing process, his reasons for picking Cincy, how much work goes into starting up a practice, etc. he told me all about his life, from growing up to college life to crazy life stories. he asked me about my life, always remembering little details. he was and still is genuinely interested in my crazy life.

i especially loved talking about religion with him. he and his family went to the Okiihr Mountain temple open house with Mad, Jo Ann, and I. we went to his prayer service. he had questions. i had questions. we found several similarities between the LDS and Muslim faith. we discussed everything from morality to green tea to Jesus to life after death to eternal families. we could talk for hours about life and the purpose of it and God and being like Him. i love that he is so devoted to his faith, constantly striving to better himself so that he can better mankind.

i absolutely ADORE his family! Dalenna is a beautiful woman! she has this air of kindness and love about her. i could talk to her all day about life. she asks questions and sincerely listens. i love learning about her life, dreams, and experiences. Zayd is probably the funniest/most stubborn little boy ever. we build water towers, ferris wheels, roads, trailers, you name it. we do puzzles and read stories. he is bob and i am wendy. he remembers my name. basically i love him. and Sofia is the most beautiful baby girl. she is always dressed like a model (thanks to her fashion-savvy mama).

so in a nutshell, i love these amazing people! i am happy that they are off chasing their dreams, but extremely sad that they are leaving...tomorrow. i don't do goodbyes. i do "see you soons." they support the mission. they support PA school (maybe i'll end up in Ohio with a crazy sweet job with a fabulous doctor...so happy that offer is on the table). they genuinely care about my life. i consider them family.

i am HAPPY that classes are officially over. WOOOOOOOOO. now just three finals and i am done (this is why i am stressed). this time next week, i will be carefree and less zitty hopefully. i cannot wait to be done. let me repeat myself.

I. CANNOT. WAIT. TO. BE. DONE. WITH. BYU.

i am done with the provo scene. i am done with boys in provo. i am done with every boy knowing every other boy i hang out with. i am ready for warmth all year round. i am ready to start a new chapter of my life.

i have been working on the mission papers. i had two crowns done this week and now the dental form is complete. all i have left is the medical exam and obtaining a passport. i am ANXIOUS to see where i am going to go. i want to best prepare for the people i am going to serve. i want to know everything. i know this is not possible, but i want to be the best prepared missionary ever!

all of the emotions have something in common: time. i have realized how fast time passes. i remember when Zee started at Nexus. and in the blink of an eye, a year has come and gone. relationships take time to be built. i am happy i made an effort to be friends with the Tayebs. i truly cherish those friendships. i am happy that school is almost over. i can remember my first day as a freshman, sitting in Econ 110. i cannot believe that i am graduating!! i remember when i decided to go on a mission. i never thought i would be 21....weird i know. i never though i would seriously have to make adult decisions. i never thought life would have so many curve balls. i never thought i would be in this place in my life, doing what i am doing. i don't feel old enough. i still see myself as the tomboy on the playground, eating beef jerky. according to my mom, i dress like i am 6. well so what? some days i want to be 6. is that so wrong?

so at this time of year, i am taking time to reflect on my life and what is truly important. life is short. i want to make sure my priorities are in check. i want to spend less time on myself and focus more on others. that is what life is about. helping others who cannot help themselves. and wanna know the best thing about service? serving others is like serving God, which in turn helps you become the person He wants you to be. that's all that i want. i pray i can make this goal a reality.

learning to juggle

it's crazy how fast i grow up. i can remember the first days living in the dorms...prison in my opinion. now i have a few weeks left of this semester...as a senior in COLLEGE. i have one semester left and i am done. over. kaput. weird.

so i decided on a very big life-altering decision. i am going on a mish. i NEVER would have thought i would say this. but...things change. heavenly father intervenes when He finds it appropriate.

i questioned Him...why now?

why after i have my plan to graduate, apply to p.a. school, and move out of utah? why now, after i have FINALLY decided on things...?

i was upset.

i couldn't understand why He felt that after 3 1/2 years of angst and turmoil over my life plans (going from neuroscience to hating chemistry to human development to special education back to exercise science and more chemistry)after finally getting a good grasp on what i want to do with my life, that i now need another change of plans. He knows i am a planner...i own like 8 planners...i make schedules every day. i try to do things hour by hour. i am organized. i am always planning the next step.

i think Heavenly Father thinks this is funny. He enjoys keeping me on my toes. sometimes i can feel His laughter. way cool. i think He likes throwing in another ball for me to juggle to see how i will handle it and how long it will take me before i say, "ok. you were right. i need help. teach me how to juggle."

maybe He wants to teach me something. maybe He wants me to find people that want to know about Jesus and why they are here. maybe my family needs extra blessings....oh i don't know.

so i am moving forward. i have good feelings. i feel Heavenly Father's approval. He likes my plan. this is good. i need support, especially from Him. i don't know what i am throwing myself into. i will be in a different place with no family, no friends, maybe no understanding of the language or normal food. you ask a random person on the street and they would think i was crazy to do this...

but i know why i am doing this. it is simple. i love Heavenly Father. i love Jesus. i am happy. i want other people to be happy. i want a happier world. i want to teach what i know. i want to be that beacon on a hill. yes this is why i want to be a missionary.

i met with bishop. he gave me lots of reading materials. i have learned so much. i meet with him again in a couple weeks for the interview. then i can start getting my papers ready. ooo i have those tingling feelings inside right now, telling me this is good. phew. Heavenly Father knows who i am. He knows what i can handle. but please, no more curve balls right now. :)

my mind at 2:30 am

"Faith is knowing that Christ is the Savior. Hope is knowing that Christ is your Savior. Charity is knowing that Christ is everyone's Savior."

i stumbled upon this quote tonight...well i guess today (2:30 am doing organic chem and anatomy). this really struck me. the more and more i pray to heavenly father about a mission, the more it seems right. i want to share this knowledge with everyone so that they can be as happy as i am.

mad put it this way: 18 months of being in a different place with people you don't know (something that i am craving right now), making life long friends, 100% service, personal growth and maturity, completely forgetting myself, and spreading the love of Jesus to everyone around me. AND only blessings come from this.

In the Sunday afternoon session of conference, Elder Brent Nielson gave an outstanding talk about missionary work that got my spirit going. He quotes President Monson on missionary work, “What a promise! If we respond affirmatively to that sacred call, that binding authority, ‘I will be with you always, even unto the end of the world.’ I can’t think of a greater promise."

I love this:

The Savior’s call is to you of the rising generation. He is asking for worthy, prepared, faithful young men and young women who will heed the prophet’s voice, who will step up and say, as the Savior Himself said, “Here am I, send me”. The need has never been greater. The field has never been whiter. You are called to go “this last time”. There is no greater work; there is no greater call than teaching “all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost”.

After hearing this talk, I seriously felt that my spirit was going to jump out of my body. I became SOOOO excited about sharing the gospel with anyone and everyone.

One of my best friends, Zee, is a doctor I work with. He is Muslim. He and his beautiful family went to the Oquirrh Mountain temple open house with Mad and me. We went to his prayer service. We have had several religious conversations. We have found similarities in our beliefs. One day after work, he asked me if I had looked into any other religions. I said no, that I knew that the gospel was true so there was no reason for me to look for something else. He then asked how I knew that the gospel was true, how I personally knew this. I had never been asked this before, but I did not have to think twice about my response. I told him that I had always known, that I had prayed and read my scriptures. Through these acts, I was able to develop a relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus. I knew that they loved me and had a plan for me. The gospel is simple. I am simple. Therefore, it resonates with me. It answers all of my questions about life...who am I? where am I going? why am I here? I had never been asked to share my testimony in this way before, but i LOVED it. i loved being able to share what i know to be true, why i am so happy. i am truly grateful for my conversations with Zee, that I am able to explain what i know and why i know it to be true. i am grateful for his insight and questions.

although i know that a mission will be hard hard work, i know that it will be worth it. i will be able to answer many people's prayers. i will be able to share the gospel with those yearning to know who they are and why they are here.

i'll tell you what i know. i know that i am a child of God. He loves me. He loves me so much that He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to earth to atone for not only my sins, but for all mankind. He wants us to return to Him. this is why the Atonement is here. it is real. it allows us to change our lives in a moment. He has given us scriptures that we may learn the commandments, that we may learn from other's mistakes. He has given us prayer so that we can communicate what is in our hearts, that we may feel His love if we just ask for it. He has given us a prophet to lead and guide us today. President Monson is His mouthpiece. revelation is real. we all can receive it. think of Joseph Smith. he was 14 when he prayed in a grove. Heavenly Father answered his prayer, so why wouldn't he answer ours? He has given us temples, that we may feel a bit of heaven on earth, that we may feel peace in a tumultuous world. He has given us families to love and learn and grow with. He gives us trials, that we may develop faith in Him and Jesus, that our testimonies will grow tremendously.

in a nutshell, God loves us. so much. He wants us to be happy. if we will turn our hearts over to Him and allow Him to shape and mold us into the people He wants us to be, we will be happy. He has a plan for us. He is there for us...all we need to do is let Him in.

dear boys...

dear boys,

after many encounters with you, i feel that i need to lay down the law.

first off, when did it ever become ok to text or call me at midnight to come over and "hang out?" we both know that this is code for cuddling and/or kissing and/or ncmos (non-committal make outs). i do not have "easy" stamped on my forehead. call me old-fashioned, but doesn't dating include going out on dates? no, this is not hanging out at your apartment or watching a movie. how hard is it to say, "hey, wanna grab something to eat?" or "wanna go on a walk?" i already have my guy friends that i hang out with and do boy things with (watching sports, etc). so yes, i will decline your invitation to hang out. i deserve to be taken out. no exceptions. if you think this is lame, newsflash....so are you.

second, i am a nerd. i love school and learning and studying. yes, i want to be a doctor or a physician's assistant. therefore, i am busy with school. i will not slack on my school work to hang out with you. i will not act or pretend to be dumb in order to make your ego sky rocket. i like having conversations that have substance (don't sit there and tell me how "amazing" i am so that you can get some). embrace my smartness or leave me alone.

yes, i can be intimidating. i know who i am. i am confident. i smile. i look you in the eye. i have a strong testimony of jesus and the gospel. i love church and going to the temple. i don't waste my time doing stupid things. i do not dirty text. i do not dirty dance. i do not play games. if i want to talk to you, i will. i am not a dud. i am independent. i am not clingy. i do not need to be with you every second of the day. i do spontaneous crazy random things. i enjoy laughing. i laugh a lot. i am happy. i am blunt, usually in a nice way. i am a simple person. i do like to get all dolled up every once in a while. i enjoy being feminine. if you cannot handle who i am, please back off.

like i said, i am a simple girl. i want a good boy to take me out on dates. if i like you, you will know. now seriously, am i asking too much of you?

well now that you know how i do things, man up or be gay.

love,

amanda

we.are.brown.

mad and i woke up on saturday morning and decided we wanted brown hair. impulsive? yes. crazy? you might say so. did we love it? we sure did.

i don't think i have said "i'm so excited" more in my entire life. haha it kinda felt like i was about to go on the world's tallest rollercoaster... those jittery feelings in my stomach. BUT... i am happy with the end results.

so it is a way different look. more natural right? i haven't been dark in years. so it's a drastic change. and i'm feeling hopeful. peace.

what i aspire to be :)

so i've decided that i want to be a hippie. i have good reasons for this.

#1) peace and love....the life motto of a hippie. i am

all about peace and love. spreading this only creates joy. i flash my peace fingers every chance i get. anything that represents peace (ex: peace sign on mi coche, peace shirts and pins) gets me SO excited.

#2) headbands and funky jewelry....i am obsessed with headbands. i love the ones that go across your forehead..the braided ones. and i love weird jewelry, like an owl necklace or wood bracelets or metal rings.

#3) the laid-back mindset....this is something that i am trying to attain. i get so caught up in life plans, focusing on the future, planning class schedules, mcat dates, africa trips. i stress myself out, which ultimately doesn't allow me to enjoy whatever is going on right then. i have a hard time living in the moment.

#4) flowery clothes, bright plaid shirts, multi-colored pants, boho skirts....i love the "throw on whatever and call it good" style. i enjoy putting on, what some may call, unmatching outfits and feeling good wearing them. mismatching is fantastic. it's unique. no one else will be wearing the same thing as me. i like that.

#5) natural organic foods....i am all about eating foods in their elemental form. i would love to be 100% raw. it just becomes difficult when i don't have much time to prepare the food (sprouting, juicing). so ideally, my diet would consist of only raw food...someday.

#6) yoga....i emphatically LOVE yoga. i truly believe that health is all encompassing: physical, mental, spriritual, social. yoga strengthens each of these areas for me. i love that yoga allows me to take a step back and BREATHE. i love the poses and how they cleanse not only my body, but my mind as well. i become centered and feel limitless when i'm finished.

Hippies just lead a simpler life of love, peace, sunshine, and freedom. As the Beatles would say, all you need is love.

As Erica Jong would say, "Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

And to the world: make love, not war.